EP 70: Tantrums, Meltdowns and Keeping Your Cool

Alison: [00:00:00] All right. It froze already. All right guys. Welcome back. Today’s episode is coming out a very recent experience for me. Um, we’ve all dealt with difficult behavior. I kind of base my whole model and approach to photography, being a mom of four, uh, familiar and comfortable and chaos. But, um, had a recent session that was, uh, one for the books.

To say the least. And uh, for the first time ever in my career, 14 years a session was ended early. We did not complete even 30 minutes of the session, um, because mom didn’t want to. So, um, that’s what we’re talking about today. We’re talking less about how to handle this stuff. ’cause we all have our approach and philosophy and shoot style, but more about being proactive and how to do it from, handle it from a business perspective.

So, um, here we go.

Melissa Arlena: Yeah, so I know for me, I do a lot of newborn sessions and if anyone has a newborn photographer and they’ve had toddler siblings, they’re gonna be like, I know exactly where this is going. Uh, for me, it’s 2-year-old boys. [00:01:00] They are the worst. I mean. They’re super cute, but they can be so challenging.

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: kind of like once I realized that 2-year-old boys like want nothing to do with the baby and everything, I was like, okay, I’ve gotta really figure out how to prepare parents ahead of time.

Because parents are also like, oh my gosh, why is my kid doing that? And so when you let them know like, no, this is. Like

Alison: This is normal.

Melissa Arlena: this. I ended up, uh, and they’re very different from 2-year-old girls, and then they’re different from older to older siblings who are like four or five or older and that kind of thing.

So I know for me, I just went ahead and created videos ahead of time. And so like a dir I think I just put my phone on like a tripod and I was like, Hey, if you have a toddler, boy, this video’s for you. And I just kind of outline like. and I think even on my emails, I would tell people like, mom, step away from the Pinterest board.

Like we’re gonna be, if we get pictures of the two of them in the same room, that’s a win. And that might sound harsh, but it kind of sets that expectation. I guess. I set the bar really

Alison: Yeah, that’s good. That’s preparing.

Melissa Arlena: Yeah, I [00:02:00] have had where the kid is in the hallway and mom and dad are in the nursery and like the kid doesn’t wanna come in.

I’ve had a kid who I remember this, oh my gosh. He literally kept sliding down the stairs to the first floor. Every time I was like, Hey, you want a picture? And so. I mean, we had to do a lot of reverse

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: but I was like, okay, I gotta let parents know ahead of time because then

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: parents get pissed off

Alison: that doesn’t help anybody.

Melissa Arlena: Like

Alison: Yep.

Melissa Arlena: knows that. So for me to prepare for those, I did a video for boys, I did a video for girls, and then I did a video for like older kids. And so then that way I would, I always asked, I’m like, okay, what are the ages of the siblings? Okay, I’m gonna send you these videos so that way you can be prepared. Um, and I feel like that kind of helped. You know, alleviate a lot of the issues that I’ve had. Um, obviously when I first got started I was like, oh my God, what do I do? But

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: I realized, oh, this is not a me problem, and I have boys, you know, like I, I feel like my boys, the moment they turned two, they were like, get the camera outta my face.

Alison: Mm-hmm. That will comes in

Melissa Arlena: one.

Alison: sure. And you were doing those videos before [00:03:00] reels and videos were commonplace, so like kudos to you. That was a long, we’re talking years ago. Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: like, yeah, that was five plus years ago and I was just thinking about it. I’m like, those are still, I gotta see where they are. ’cause I think I had ’em on Instagram,

Alison: Mm-hmm. Yo, who remembers that

Melissa Arlena: gone.

Alison: No, they reverted to reels. They’re reels now. Now, I will say reels, were only a minute at first, and then now they’re there. There might be time limits they may have. I don’t think they would’ve gotten rid of them, but they may have cut them off, so might be. You could always do read you them.

Well, um. Well, I, my most recent, um, in indiscretion or poor crappy shoot, um, like I said before this, I’ve never had this happen before. Um, and I’m a mom of four boys. I have four boys in five years. I, I’m your girl when it comes to controlled chaos or even uncontrolled chaos, right? Like I three little boys don’t scare.

Um, and so to prep all my [00:04:00] clients, I get on the phone with every single one of my clients. I ask them, who hates photos? How old are your kids? What are they like? Um, you know, a lot of people wanna give me what they like to do or what they like to do, like they like to dress up. But I, I ask very specific like, personality behavior questions.

Um, and then again, I ask it again on a, uh, the questionnaire. So I, giving people, giving my clients, um, two opportunities to tell me. About things. Is somebody you know maybe on the spectrum, are they non-compliant? Are they super compliant? Are they extroverted? Are they wild cards? Or do they hate doing this and gonna gimme a run for my money?

Like I try to be prepared. This particular session give none of that information. None whatsoever. So I had no inclination that, that anybody was, I don’t know. I don’t know. Difficult. Okay. No inclination. But we had three boys, I think they were ages eight, uh, eight. Five and two, um, eight, five and two, something like that.

Or, um, and from the get go, middle brother [00:05:00] did not want anything to do with anything. We didn’t wanna play fall of the leader. Didn’t want to run, didn’t want to play. Bring around the rosie, didn’t. I pulled out all of my stops. Candy bribes, cookie bribes, everything within the first three minutes of the shoot.

And it was not happening. First three minutes I was, I was like deer in the headlights. Like, okay, this has never happened. Um, and then like the pa the parents weren’t, weren’t having it. They were being very gentle with him, which generally I’m a fan of in the middle of the session because discipline doesn’t help either.

Melissa Arlena: Yeah.

Alison: And so

Melissa Arlena: at a kid in the middle of a session never goes well for anybody

Alison: doesn’t.

Melissa Arlena: it’s

Alison: But there does come a time and place when you need to. You’re the parent. You need to act like the adult and you need to tell the kid what’s going on. Like, this is what we’re doing, take it or leave it. And so, um, wasn’t my place. And so I, we were trying to just get the one group shot of, of the family, of five plus the grandparents.

Um, and he wouldn’t have anything to do with it. And so I was just, I, [00:06:00] my, I got stern, not really stern, but I got just serious. And I was like, Hey, bud. I was like. You need to be in the picture. If you’re gonna be in the picture, you need to stand right here. ’cause he wanted to stand off away from everybody.

And I was like, we can’t do that. I was like, you have a choice. You can either go over here or you can stand next to grandma. And he did. And we go, I think we got the one shot. I don’t think he looks happy, but we got the one shot. Um, and it just kept divulging from there where he was crying and running, hitting his siblings, hitting his parents, like off the charts.

Uncontrollable, unacceptable in my book behavior. Point blank. Um, and I was like, is there anything else we can do? I’ve used all my tricks. And his mom even said, no, this is normal for him. I was like. Okay, thanks for telling me. I was a little butt hurt about that. Uh, thanks for inclined. So I just said, Hey, why don’t y’all take care of him?

Let me take care. I, I did individuals with the brothers. I did grandparents only. I did the, um, grandkids with the grandparents only. I tried to do the parents just, uh, to together with the two of ’em, but they didn’t want that. And, and by the time we got down to it, mom just called to quit. She was like, this one’s gonna work.

We’re not gonna do [00:07:00] this. And so mom ended it before I could even get there. Um, but I was kind of freaking out in my head like, I’ve never had this happen. Holy crap. Um, and it got me thinking, what am I do? Like I’m not refunding the session. I came out here, I executed, I performed everything I said I was going to, what’s gonna happen next?

And thus this episode.

Melissa Arlena: from Allison. She was like, oh my God. And I was like, okay, well let’s talk about some things. I was like, but we should definitely talk about this on the podcast.

Alison: Yeah, y’all, I had to vent to the random people going for a run in the parking lot after the session. Like

Melissa Arlena: That

Alison: I like.

Melissa Arlena: part of the story.

Alison: Yeah. Like, I’ve never done that. Like three 20 somethings getting ready. I was like, y’all, I might need to come with you. And they’re like, what? And I was like, I’ve never had this happen before.

I was like, I’m just, and I just like unloaded on them a little bit and they were like, I’m so sorry. They were like, do you wanna come with us? And I was like, I do, but I’m gonna go home and take my kids to school. Um, so that was a first y’all 14 years. I’ve never [00:08:00] had a mom in session. I have had loads and loads of difficult parent, uh, difficult kids.

Um. But I’ve never had this level of like hitting and like he was, I mean, he was being ugly to his dad, telling him he hated him. He hated his smile. He wasn’t gonna smile. Like it was unacceptable in my book. And you just kind of get stuck between like, you’re not gonna be the parent, that’s not your place, but we also can’t proceed.

This is not gonna be okay.

Melissa Arlena: Yeah. And so that’s the kind of that crux of if you’ve done everything you can to prepare the parents and you end up in a situation like this, then from a business perspective it’s like, okay, well where am I covered? How,

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: Like, you know, um, and the first thing I said to Allison, I was like, well, do you have one of those like cheerful cooperation clauses?

And I can’t remember where I heard that

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: but, uh, and she was like, I dunno, let me check my contract.

Alison: I did that thing a long time ago. Once again, haven’t read it in probably two years, but I did and I did have it and I was like, I know I’ve got something. But in my mind, [00:09:00] that all had to do with adults. I never in a million years thought I would have to. Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: what

Alison: Dads or you know, just. Utterly teenage like suky teenagers.

Like I never in a million years thought I was gonna have to apply this to a 4-year-old boy. Um, and, but it does. And I mean, there’s no age stipulation in my contract. Um, but I did go back and reword it because some of the things, um, like, you know, I save, my session fee is refundable, but it’s not refundable if we actually attempt the session right.

So there’s that like clarifying that. Um, some of the other things I added was my minimum, my, my image minimums. No longer apply. And I also put in there that I, I think it was already in there that we have, I explicitly put in there that I reserve the right to end a session early if these, if these things aren’t met.

And, uh, I don’t know that it was in there before. I, I can’t, honestly, can’t remember.

Melissa Arlena: is. To keep in mind, like, we’re not trying to like attack the 4-year-old. It’s more of a protecting your [00:10:00] business

Alison: Yes.

Melissa Arlena: session or if mom ends a session. Because again, if you’ve been there and you’ve tried and you’ve done all these things, and then mom’s like, well, according to your contract, I can go ahead and cancel, get a refund, and blah, blah, blah.

And you’re like, what

Alison: Nope.

Melissa Arlena: that’s more of what it

Alison: Yep.

Melissa Arlena: it’s not meant to be a jerk about it. It’s just meant to like. I mean, I think we’ve, we’ve said before, you guys gotta have policies

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: and you can always choose to bend things, stuff like that. You know, like cooperation doesn’t mean everybody has to be like, oh my God, I’m so excited for this.

But cheerful cooperation just means I’m not gonna be a dick. Like that’s

Alison: Hundred percent child or adults, right? Like

Melissa Arlena: Yeah.

Alison: yeah. So you’re,

Melissa Arlena: so, you know, with setting those expectations and stuff, like if Allison had known ahead of time, this is just how, I mean, luckily Mom knows in some respects

Alison: yeah,

Melissa Arlena: this kid is, so her expectation was already set in her mind of like, okay, we’re gonna, we’re gonna stop this.

Now. If Allison had known ahead of time, that might have given you a little bit more of

Alison: a little.

Melissa Arlena: wanna,

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: just a little bit of expectation

Alison: I would’ve left that kid alone for the [00:11:00] first half of the session and then been like, okay, let’s get you in here. Um, honestly, I think I would’ve re reestablished that. Um, but I have never ever, ever, ever had such an unruly, unkind, disrespectful, belligerent child ever.

Melissa Arlena: it’s, yeah. It’s funny you say the whole thing, like normally it’s adults because I remember when I shot weddings,

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: had clauses and most wedding photographers have a clause about like drunk guests and like. Jerk guess. And like people coming up to you and

Alison: Or bridal parties. Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: wants to say like, okay, I’m enforcing this clause.

But if you’ve got, if you’re being harassed and stuff, like, you’ve got to

Alison: Mm-hmm. Yep.

Melissa Arlena: So if you don’t have a contract, you really wanna get one. And I think, don’t, don’t we have like a, a link to somebody

Alison: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. We, yes. So contracts, my favorite new person for contracts is, um, Braden, Drake in the contract club.

Melissa Arlena: oh yeah,

Alison: He, we’ll have the link in there because, um, yeah, I just love the way he does. He’s explaining it to you. He’s not, he’s telling you how to write it yourself with, with the language and, [00:12:00] and it’s fantastic.

So you can alter, add, amend for these specific circumstance.

Melissa Arlena: he’s always putting out new contracts, so I

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: bunch for

Alison: Yep.

Melissa Arlena: and stuff like that, but you wanna make sure that you have a good contract that covers you in the case, that somebody comes back and then you can cite your

Alison: Yep.

Melissa Arlena: like no one ever. We don’t want to do that, but that’s the whole reason you have a contract in the first

Alison: Exactly.

Melissa Arlena: some

Alison: And that’s the best thing you can do is, is be proactive and think through some of these worst case scenarios. So that’s why we’re talking about this. So it really is a client responsibility, mom and dad, to bring a well-rested fed. Compliant child. Right. And to, and to make those things happen even during the shoot.

Melissa Arlena: thing too of like the education, having,

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: educating your client before this session. Um, I always joke around, I’m like, look for a toddler boy, I want him to be well rested and fed. And if you’re bringing your dog, I want them to be hungry and tired.

I’m like, it’s, you know, it’s a little bit

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: for those different things. But if I give you that prep ahead of time, I mean, I prep people for newborn [00:13:00] sessions too on like what to expect. Um, even if when you get there to that session you’re like, Hey, I had a session one time. I remember it was, it was a toddler girl on that one, and. I, I usually, I follow John Canlis and he has a thing ’cause he looks like the dude from Mo, he looks like Maui. He’s like a big

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: dude and he’s terrifying to little children. Um, and so he always talked about like, he would get down on one knee and like chat with the

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: as

Alison: Yep.

Melissa Arlena: in the door.

And so I started doing that with kids and with this particular little girl, I didn’t do that. Then we were 10 minutes into the session and I was like, you. I was like, this is not going

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: Like she doesn’t want anything to do with it. So I just put my camera down and I just sat on the floor with her and I told the parents, I said, give us like 10 minutes.

And I just played with her on the floor with

Alison: Mm.

Melissa Arlena: something like

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: then she came around and we got great images. I got like a portfolio image from my

Alison: That’s awesome.

Melissa Arlena: But it was one of those I messed up on my

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: to figure out how to fix it and recover it. But there were times that you just can’t

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: a client that, um. [00:14:00] Actually, I feel like it was somebody maybe you shot in Hawaii and then I did their

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: and they were like, if he’s in the room, we’ll be happy. And I was like, okay, good. I’ve

Alison: Cool.

Melissa Arlena: well ’cause that kid wanted nothing to

Alison: Yeah. That’s awesome.

Melissa Arlena: Um, so expectations are

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: a big one

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: Um, but I don’t think, I don’t think most of the time you’re gonna have too many, like that meltdown with kids where you’ve gotta have your contract in place, but check your language, make sure

Alison: Be prepared. Be prepared.

Melissa Arlena: just be prepared on it. And you could even have like. In your client prep, you could have like, Hey, cheerful cooperation.

And even be funny about it of like, I know dad doesn’t wanna be there, but hey, tell him give me 30 minutes

Alison: Yep.

Melissa Arlena: your clients tequila

Alison: Yeah, but I can’t give a 4-year-old tequila.

Melissa Arlena: I know,

Alison: Or Benadryl.

Melissa Arlena: will

Alison: Yeah,

Melissa Arlena: alcohol first at six o’clock in the morning.

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: do a shot?

Alison: Yeah. Let’s do this. Mm. I mean, it’s not refrigerated and I don’t have limes, but I got, I’ve got the necessities. Um, so what about in the moment? In the moment, I was a little [00:15:00] bit panic stricken until mom said, oh, this is normal for him.

And then I went,

Melissa Arlena: Mm-hmm.

Alison: got to be kidding me. I didn’t say that, but it was in my head. Um, so.

Melissa Arlena: it’s not me. Yay.

Alison: God. Right? So I mean, I was three minutes in and was like, okay, I’ve used all my tricks. I gotta dig deep here. And I did some of what you were talking where I was on his level, looking him in the eye, talking to him, trying to say, have fun.

I was like, Hey buddy, if you’re not have fun with me, you’re not gonna have fun with anybody trying to make light of it. Didn’t help. Got a little serious and I was like, okay, I want you in the shot, but if you don’t want to be, that’s fine. Because I was mimicking what mom was saying, right? Mom had kind of like, go over there, go, you know, if you don’t wanna be in it, then go over here.

So I just went along with mom had started and I was like, but you can’t stand here. You can come stand close or you can come over far away over here, but you can’t do this. Um, and

Melissa Arlena: bomb everybody else’s photos and

Alison: And that kind of worked. And then mom and dad were talk, needed to take him aside. And so we went on to other things. I photographed the brothers individually.

I photographed, uh, the grandparents and their [00:16:00] couples shot. I got the grandparents and the other grandkids. Um, so I was doing other things to give him that break, to give mom and dad that time. So we did get something.

Melissa Arlena: Yeah.

Alison: Um, and then I also, you know, then he came back in. It still wasn’t working. And so I said, Hey guys.

Melissa Arlena: Mm-hmm.

Alison: How do you want, how do you wanna do this? Like, can I shoot the two of you? And they actually declined that. They declined a bunch of a, a bunch of things that I still could have done. And I was like, are you sure? And I kept, I kept trying to like jostle that out of ’em. ’cause I was like, you’re here, you’re in Hawaii.

Melissa Arlena: Right.

Alison: photo ready. Let me at least get you two. Right? Um,

Melissa Arlena: Yeah.

Alison: let’s at least do what we can. Um, and then, and so I, I followed their lead on it and, and she, and mom was just like, this isn’t gonna work. And so she ended it, but it got me thinking like. I need the verbiage for how I’m gonna end it. And so some of the things I’ve come up with, feel free to take these guys.

I’ve used all my tricks. Like, I’ve used all my tricks in, in my toolbox. Like I’ve done what I can, or I can do the two of you guys [00:17:00] together. I can do individuals of these guys, I can do this, this, and this. My suggestion here is keep it positive. Like don’t like just talk about what you can do. Try to keep it.

This is what, this is what we can, that’s kinda my philosophy with all business matters. You know, if somebody said, I don’t want this, this, and this. And I, I don’t go, I can’t do that. I say, well, I can do this. So offer what you can do, keep it positive, um,

Melissa Arlena: Yeah.

Alison: and, and be, and don’t be afraid to say to, to lean back on that contract of we don’t have enough t for cooperation here to continue.

Melissa Arlena: Yeah.

Alison: Like at, at some point you might have to be negative and be like, we cannot continue. I’m sorry, this is, I don’t think this is gonna work. Um, but here’s what we can do.

Melissa Arlena: this is reminding me. I remember having a session that I had photographed the family for years, like over and over again, and the, the toddler boy, it’s just me and toddler boys. The toddler boy melted down and then his big sister melted down. And I think we were 15 minutes into the session, an hour session.

And I’m having to look at my clients who, again, I had photographed them for years, and [00:18:00] I’m like, guys. They’re both,

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: are like red face sobbing. Like

Alison: Oh no.

Melissa Arlena: from that and they just, whatever it was, set them off that day. And I was like, I said, you know, we’ve had a great run of

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: sessions.

I was like, this is gonna be the one year. It’s not great photos.

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: said, and I was like, you know, and so I tried to get some of those of just her comforting them. ’cause sometimes those can be

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: but yeah, exactly. You try to be like, okay, we’ve done this, we’ve done that. Um, I know with my trick on that one, I used to bring like a little disposable camera for the little girl to shoot

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: always felt like she was my assistant, but that didn’t even work that time. And so I just, basically, the parents and I both agree. They were like, well, we’re gonna try again next year.

Alison: Yep.

Melissa Arlena: that’s just where we’re at. So it can be, a lot of, it could be helpful too, if you have a relationship with clients.

Allison doesn’t get that ’cause

Alison: Nope.

Melissa Arlena: for vacation. But if you’ve got a relationship with those clients and stuff, um. could have an opportunity to reschedule and maybe do another session fee or something with

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Arlena: Um, that might be an option [00:19:00] too, of something.

Alison: Yeah.

Melissa Arlena: don’t get that ’cause they’re leaving the

Alison: They’re leaving. And so, yeah. And well, and if, if you came out and you executed the session, you’re paid for it. That we’re not transferring, I’m not doing this again without another session fee. Um, and so,

Melissa Arlena: that’s where

Alison: yeah.

Melissa Arlena: it’s gonna be another session

Alison: Yeah. And so they, the session fee is no longer refundable, but also that print credit is not refundable.

Like I’ve executed, I’ve executed, I’ve got, I may only have 40 images, but I’ve got images. You can spend it. You, you know, you may not get what you thought you had in mind, but. Nothing’s refundable at this point. So I think I am, I think I am willing to amend the process on the backend. You know, if they don’t wanna do a live gallery reveal, I think I might, um, amend that and be

Melissa Arlena: ’cause keep in mind, if a session goes south, there’s bad memories attached to

Alison: mm-hmm. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But

Melissa Arlena: just, it

Alison: they have $500 credit on my end, and so I want, they need the opportunity to. So, so far, no, nothing’s scheduled. We’re, we’ve already done a couple follow ups on that end. So, [00:20:00] so there it is. So you guys, hopefully this never happens to you, but if it does, be prepared. Be prepared.

I feel like a Boy scout. Um, so hopefully that was helpful to you guys. If you have any questions, let us know. And if you have any horror stories you’d like to share with us, we wanna hear ’em,

Melissa Arlena: we would love some horror

Alison: we would love to hear ’em.

Melissa Arlena: better. So if we don’t

Alison: yeah,

Melissa Arlena: people.

Alison: out to us on Instagram, befo Talk or keep it Moving Podcast. Shoot me an little audio.

I’d love to hear about it. So.

Melissa Arlena: Yeah. I wanna hear like you made the whole family cry or something. Like,

Alison: Or if you got tips and tricks, if we need to swap horror stories and, and how toss. Let’s hear it. Thanks guys. Until next time.

Melissa Arlena: Thanks so

Alison: I.

Melissa Arlena: Bye.